But beware, you are not the only people taking this challenge. Communicate with each other to complete the assault course and progress to the next half. Crawling out of the dark, dingey corner came a woman with her hands tied together at the wrists, her legs tied together at the ankles, and a black sack over her head.Ī feminine, robotic voice came over the tannoy system, the type you’d hear on an answering machine. After a moment of wriggling, there was another scream. The shock of being restrained caused me to scream, which echoed down into the warehouse over a tannoy system, stirring something in the far corner. The room I was in was elevated atop a mezzanine floor, giving me a birds-eye view of the space. I woke up shackled to an office chair, looking through a perspex window into a large warehouse space.
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She was so beautiful and full of life that I’d have run away with her then and there if I’d had the slightest inkling she felt the same way. The further we got through the bottle, the easier the conversation became. We opened the Merlot and she started chatting about what had driven her to apply for the show.
My greeting was a barely audible gasp after her cheery “Hello!”. I waited nervously, flicking through my Instagram feed at happy couples announcing engagements until the door crept open and she appeared in front of me, intimidatingly beautiful. The label was printed the same as the wall signs and simply said “Drink Me!”. They lead me into a small, temporary office space with two chairs inside and a note taped to a bottle of Merlot next to two glasses on a desk. I had followed the printed-out signs taped to the warehouse walls that read “Contestants this way” with a large arrow pointing left. They were like shadows occupying the gloomy warehouse space. Once inside, the five or six stagehands moved around her dressed all in black with black baseball caps. It was tight in the areas she was proud to be curvy and loose in the areas she wasn’t. She was here for a date and thus had opted for her strappy open-toed black heels and a mid-length, long-sleeved black dress. Only an evening of feeling this low could have me responding to an advert in a pop-up window.Īs she entered the large grey industrial unit in the twilight that evening, she felt uncomfortably overdressed.
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This, however, was an evening my browser history was not proud of porn site after porn site with a brief break to read How to find a wife in 14 steps on WikiHow. If I were in any other mood I’d have closed the window as soon as my blood type came into question. I found the application form very strange. The ten unusual questions were completed in a flash and then it was straight onto the website for plan B: the cat’s home. Filling out the application wouldn’t hurt, she’d applied to be an extra on Channel 4 before. The thought of having a date with another meathead LadBIBLE enthusiast made her jealous of the lady with 12 cats that her mother referred to as “Mrs. The advert had been sitting in her SPAM folder for a week before she saw it, sandwiched between Tinder notifications from various men smoldering at the camera with their tops off, their tattoo sleeves almost identical. We’re looking for contestants between 25 - 35 for our new REALITY DATING SHOW!Ĭontestants must be physically fit, outgoing, and NOT camera shy, as you’ll be getting to know each other inside and out in our new jshow: Married friends would insist “there’s someone for everybody”, but the dating apps seemed to disagree, which is why I applied for the show.Īre you looking for the one? Would you risk it all for love? I even started to wear odd socks as I believed less and less in the existence of a "perfect match". The two-person canoe on sale in the centre aisle of Aldi hurt my feelings. The family Daysaver ticket on the bus seemed like an unachievable goal. And it manifested into everything I did, everywhere I looked. If anyone ever tried to ‘donkey punch’ her again, they would not live to boast about it. Not another hedonist trying to work his way through sex jokes he’d seen on Urban Dictionary. All she wanted in return was for someone to treat her like they cared about her. She’d played the game so far, bought every product going, enhanced herself, pandered to society’s ideals. She was looking for a man to make her feel valuable in a society that made her feel worthless, and if she happened to make a bit of money, perhaps a little fame along the way then that was okay by her.
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